Are We Rigid to Listen?

We often complain that children are adamant. We say, “They never listen,” “They do only what they want,” or “They argue for everything.” As parents, elders, teachers, managers, and senior family members, we expect the younger generation to listen to us carefully, follow our instructions, and respect our experience. But there is an uncomfortable question we must ask ourselves: Are we really listening to others?

Many times, we only pretend to listen. Our ears may be open, but our mind is already closed. While the other person is speaking, we are not actually absorbing their words. We are silently preparing our reply, defending our position, judging their maturity, or waiting for them to finish so that we can continue with our own decision. In reality, we may also be doing exactly what we accuse children of doing: listening only when it suits us and ignoring what does not match our thinking.

The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

Hearing is a physical act. Listening is an emotional and intellectual act. Hearing happens through the ears. Listening happens through patience, humility, and attention.

A child may hear a parent’s instruction but may not listen because the instruction feels unreasonable, sudden, harsh, or one-sided. Similarly, an adult may hear a child’s explanation but may not listen because the adult has already decided that the child is wrong. In both cases, communication fails not because words were absent, but because openness was absent.

Listening requires us to pause our ego for a while. It requires us to accept that the other person may have a point. This is difficult because we all carry a strong internal belief that our view is correct. The more experienced we become, the more rigid this belief may become.

The Hidden Rigidity in Adults

Adults often believe that rigidity belongs only to children. But adult rigidity is sometimes more polished and more difficult to detect. A child may openly say, “I will not do it.” An adult may say, “I understand,” “Let me see,” or “You may be right,” but finally proceed exactly as they had already planned.

This is a sophisticated form of not listening.

We may ask for opinions, but only accept the opinions that confirm our existing thinking. We may conduct family discussions, office meetings, or friendly conversations, but deep inside we may have already made the decision. Others are only given the feeling that they were heard.

In such situations, listening becomes a formality. It does not influence our thinking. It does not soften our position. It does not create any change in our behaviour.

Why Do We Fail to Listen?

One reason is ego. We feel that accepting another person’s point of view may reduce our authority. A parent may feel that listening to a child may make the child too bold. A senior officer may feel that accepting a junior’s suggestion may weaken his image. A husband or wife may feel that yielding in an argument means defeat.

Another reason is past conditioning. We carry our own experiences, fears, failures, and beliefs. When someone says something new, we immediately compare it with our past. Instead of listening to the present person, we listen to our old memories.

A third reason is impatience. We want quick obedience, quick results, and quick closure. Listening takes time. It requires us to understand not only the words, but also the emotion behind the words. In today’s fast-moving life, we often do not have the patience to listen deeply.

Children Also Observe Our Listening

Children do not learn only from our instructions. They learn from our behaviour. When we repeatedly tell them to listen, but we ourselves do not listen to them, they detect the contradiction.

A child may think, “My parents want me to listen, but they never listen to me.” Over time, this can create emotional distance. The child may stop explaining. They may obey out of fear when young, but when they grow older, they may either rebel or withdraw.

Listening to children does not mean agreeing to everything they say. It means giving them the dignity of being heard. After listening, we may still guide, correct, or even firmly refuse. But the tone changes when a child feels understood. Discipline without listening becomes domination. Discipline with listening becomes guidance.

Listening in Family Life

In family life, many conflicts arise not because the problem is too big, but because people feel unheard. A parent feels ignored by children. A child feels misunderstood by parents. A spouse feels taken for granted. An elderly person feels neglected. Everyone wants to be listened to, but not everyone is willing to listen.

Sometimes, we listen only to reply, not to understand. When a family member shares a difficulty, we immediately give advice. When they express pain, we compare it with our own pain. When they disagree, we take it as disrespect. Slowly, conversations become arguments, and arguments become silence.

A peaceful family is not one where everyone agrees on everything. It is one where people feel safe to speak and are willing to listen.

Listening in the Workplace

The same issue exists in offices also. Seniors often complain that juniors do not listen. Juniors silently feel that seniors do not listen to practical difficulties. Management may say that employees resist change. Employees may feel that management does not understand ground realities.

In many workplaces, listening happens only from top to bottom. Instructions flow downward, but feedback does not travel upward with equal respect. This creates frustration. People may follow orders mechanically, but their heart will not be involved.

A good leader does not merely give instructions. A good leader listens to the people who execute the work. Many practical problems, safety concerns, technical improvements, and human difficulties come from the ground level. If those voices are ignored, the system may appear disciplined from outside, but internally it becomes weak.

Pretending to Listen

One of the most dangerous habits is pretending to listen. We nod our head, maintain eye contact, and say “yes, yes,” but our mind is elsewhere. Sometimes we listen only to collect weak points in the other person’s argument. Sometimes we listen only to prove them wrong later.

This kind of listening creates distrust. People can sense when we are not genuinely listening. They may not say it openly, but they slowly stop sharing their real thoughts with us.

True listening has a visible effect. It makes the other person feel lighter. It reduces their aggression. It creates space for correction. Even when we disagree, genuine listening preserves respect.

How to Become Better Listeners

The first step is to accept that we may also be rigid. This acceptance itself requires humility. Instead of repeatedly asking, “Why are they not listening to me?” we can also ask, “Have I listened to them properly?”

The second step is to pause before reacting. Many conversations fail because we react to the first sentence itself. If we allow the other person to complete their thought, we may understand the real issue better.

The third step is to separate listening from agreeing. We fear that if we listen, we must accept. That is not true. Listening only means understanding. Agreement can come later, partially or fully, depending on the situation.

The fourth step is to ask questions. Instead of saying, “You are wrong,” we can ask, “Why do you feel so?” or “What made you think like this?” Questions open the door. Judgement closes it.

The fifth step is to observe whether the other person’s words have influenced us in any way. If every conversation ends with our original opinion unchanged, then we must honestly examine whether we are truly listening or only waiting.

Listening Does Not Reduce Authority

Many elders fear that listening may reduce their control. But actually, listening increases respect. Children respect parents who listen. Employees respect leaders who listen. Friends value friends who listen. Listening does not make us weak. It makes us mature.

Authority based only on command creates obedience for some time. Authority based on listening creates trust for a long time.

When people feel heard, they become more willing to accept correction. When people feel ignored, even good advice appears like pressure.

Conclusion

Before calling children adamant, before blaming others for not listening, we must look within. Are we flexible enough to receive another point of view? Are we willing to modify our thinking when the other person makes sense? Are we listening with attention, or are we merely waiting to impose our decision?

Life becomes lighter when listening becomes genuine. Relationships become warmer when people feel heard. Conflicts reduce when ego becomes silent for a few moments.

The real question is not only whether others are listening to us. The deeper question is: Are we listening to others with an open mind?

When we answer this honestly, we may discover that the change we expect from others must begin quietly within ourselves.